Bloodrayne the "Movie"

So. I finally watched Bloodrayne last night. While it wasn't as bad as I expected, considering the harsh critisism I've heard all over the web, it was pretty awful. As the credits rolled down my tv screen, I found myself feeling grateful that all the actors involved with this film were still collecting checks and paying the morgage. Unfortunately, that's all I can really say for the lot of them after watching this "film."

Let me just state here that I have not played the video game or read the comic. My first (and to be painfully honest- probably last), contact with BloodRayne was through the movie. I've heard that this movie takes horrible liberties with this character and her story, but I don't know anything about that. I do know that this movie took horrible liberties with the actors involved in this project and my free time. I can't get it back. Even two hours of Mystery Science Theatre style razzing is just not worth the pain of actually watching this movie.

A few of the problems I had with this film:



1. What is going on with the hair on Matthew Davis (Sebastian)? At what point in the 18th century did mullets become popular? This sorry fluffy mullet was multi colored in a way that can only be described as "cheap faux dead animal" and did nothing for a man I can now assure you is pretty nice looking. (I checked out pics on the internet.) I just hope that the whole painful thing was a wig that the poor man could take off at the end of the day.

2. Fight scenes from film hell... I have nothing against gory movies. In fact, as a zombie movie addict, I firmly believe that gore and spurting blood can make a movie wonderful. But this was just a crime against common sense and decency. At what point does it do your movie good to have viewers wondering how much money was spent on fake blood that could really have helped out in the fight choreography budget? Shouldn't we be too caught up in the awful bloody spectacle to wonder about things like that? Bored looking thralls beating on a vaguely person shaped hunk of bloody fakeness with a plastic pole is a definate spectacle, but not really one I would choose to include in a film I was going to show others.

3. Speaking of facial expressions... If you can't pay your actors enough to get them to actually act, perhaps it would be wise to devise some way of hiding the bordom on their faces during key scenes. In no way should Micheal Madsen look painfully bored during his dramatic death scene. Pained, yes. Painfully bored, no. At least the choice of Michelle Rodrigeuz was a good one for the character of Katarin. Her normal perpetual scowl was sort of natual for the part she played and required little change throughout the film.

This film was full of well known and respected actors. I've seen them in numorous other films and know that they can, truely, act. But this film made them all appear to be rank (and I do mean RANK) amatures. Sad.

There were many, many other problems that I will not be bothering to discuss today. My advice? If you simply MUST see this movie, arm yourself with several witty friends who like to talk during movies, plenty of junk food to keep up your strength, and your pain-killing beverage of choice.